Disappearing

2025 Write Now Winner - Adult, Friend of the University

“Sarah was a fearless child. Her first word wasn’t Mama or Dada. She said ‘Wow!’ one night when she saw the full moon. She is fascinated with space and she is obsessed with flight - airplanes, helicopters, and especially rockets.” 

Lily felt her eyes welling up again. Was it possible to run out of tears? She’d cried more in the ten days since Sarah’s disappearance than she had in the past ten years. 

She looked across the table at Matt, sitting silently, head in his hands. Not a single tear, she thought, feeling her shoulders tighten. 

She hated herself for keeping score. 

“Do you have a different photo than what’s been in the newspapers?” the reporter asked.

“Sure,” Lily said, scrolling through her phone. She shared two photos with the reporter, whose name she’d already forgotten. 

Matt stood up, excusing himself. Lily imagined the reporter could hear her heart pounding. How was Matt not panicking? Their daughter disappeared. Their perfect, precocious, 18 year old daughter. 

Finding her unmade bed last Monday morning was the worst moment of Lily’s life. Hearing the police call Sarah a runaway was even worse. 

Realizing Sarah had ultimately done what Lily herself couldn’t - escaped Matt and his endless cycles of rage? That realization was her very worst moment. 

Lily walked the reporter out, thanking him for his help. She had reached out to him in a panic when the daily stories about Sarah had ended. There was always another story. Another mystery to solve. 

Lily wanted a national story, so people would be on the lookout for Sarah. But, as she had been told over and over, Sarah was 18. A legal adult. 

Lily sat on a hard kitchen chair. She didn’t allow herself to sit on the couch anymore. How could she be comfortable without knowing if Sarah was safe?

Matt walked in and opened the cupboard. 

“Where are the glasses?” he asked.

“Dishwasher,” Lily answered. 

Matt sighed, and left the kitchen. The dishwasher was Lily’s domain, like everything else in the household. 

Lily stood up, realizing she hadn’t opened the dishwasher since last Sunday night. She replayed the evening in her mind.

–

They had dinner together, while Lily tracked Matt’s scotch. Three doubles. They knew the drill - cheery Matt appeared with two scotches; Matt completely disappeared at three, replaced by an angry man with dull, unfeeling eyes. 

Sarah glanced at Lily, and held up three fingers. 

‘What the fuck was that?” Matt asked. 

“I’m talking to Mom,” Sarah replied. 

“You’re talking about me,” Matt slurred.

“No one said anything at all,” Lily replied, unpausing the show they were watching, hoping to distract. Always hoping to distract.

“I’ve got to study,” Sarah said, standing suddenly. “AP Physics test tomorrow.”

“An astronaut has to know her physics!” Lily said, brightly.

“She will never be an astronaut,” Matt muttered, shaking his glass. 

Lily watched Sarah’s body cave into itself.

“Sarah will be the first female astronaut to walk on the moon!” Lily said, for the millionth time, as Sarah walked quickly upstairs. 

Lily paused the show, her heart racing. She knew better than to say anything to Matt, three scotches in.

“That’s her DREAM, Matt. Why would you say that?”

“Because astronauts aren’t addicted to their phones. Because every kid says they want to be an astronaut, and then their parents point them towards reality. You need to get on board, Lily. You’re making it worse, acting like she can do it. We’re not paying for space camp either.”

“Of course we’re paying for space camp. She worked so hard on that application!”

“Idiots,” Matt said, standing up and storming into his office, slamming the door, again. 

Lily was shaking as she walked into the kitchen. She took his bottle of scotch and emptied it in the sink. She cleaned up the dishes, went upstairs, and knocked on Sarah’s door. 

“Need a study buddy?” Lily asked.

“No thanks,” Sarah said.

“I’m sorry about Dad,” Lily began.

“Don’t, Mom,” Sarah said. “Dad’s behavior isn’t yours to control.” 

“Wow,” Lily replied. “That’s good to hear. Because I’m obviously doing a shitty job.”

“It’s not funny, Mom,” Sarah said. “This is no way to live.”

Lily looked at Sarah, and then looked at her hands. 

“He wasn’t always like this,” she said quietly.

“That’s what you always say,” Sarah said. “But that angry guy downstairs? That’s the only Dad I know.” 

Lily was quiet for a few moments. 

“If you need help studying, I’m just going to be reading.”

“Love you, Mom,” Sarah said, her eyes filling with tears.

“Love you to the moon and back,” Lily began.

“Which is where Sarah will go someday!” they both said, in unison. 

–

Lily shook her head and opened the dishwasher. There was Sarah’s water bottle.The smiley faced plate that Sarah always used. 

She pulled out a coffee mug she didn’t recognize. She startled when she saw the quote on the front - the Leonardo da Vinci quote that she had put on Sarah’s wall last year:

Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return.

There was a post-it inside the mug. I’m okay. You know where to find me.

Lily’s heart raced. It was Sarah’s writing. 

Lily felt the room shift under her feet. She, too, could just leave. She could follow the silent pull of Sarah, her note as certain as a flashing neon sign. 

She waited until Matt left for work. She packed a few things for herself. For Sarah. She didn’t pack much. The things that really matter weren’t things at all. 

She put “Cape Canaveral” into her Google Maps, and laughed aloud. Almost 24 hours, exactly, to drive towards their new life. 

On my way, she texted Sarah, on top of a string of unanswered texts. 

Lily didn’t cry at all for ten hours straight. But she let herself sob when she saw Sarah’s thumbs up text.